“I hate men.” A phrase not too uncommon amongst many a scorned young woman, having experienced or witnessed a particular injustice inflicted upon one of her sisters in womanhood beneath a male bolstered by a system that won’t seem to hold him accountable.
To any male readers, welcome, this is not an attack but a safe space to open a dialogue about a pressing issue. Ask yourself if you’ve ever heard a female you are close to, or any female in general use the above phrase. If you know why, and do not feel insulted but rather inclined to help then thank you. If not, and have ever used the phrase “not all men” in an indignant tone then please read on.
The phrase, mostly used in jest and occasionally in anger has seen a rise in an age of staunch twenty first centuary feminist activism that is centrerd around equality, justice and the demand for accountability to be placed on the cisgender, heterosexual identifiying males of the community. Far be it from this article to ignorantly dismiss the preceding ages of admirable, life changing work feminists have put in for centuries to bring about a better quality of life for women, and equality in life alongside men, something seems different about the new age of feminism we find ourselves in since the turn of the century. We seem to be less delicate, approaching issues that affect us as women with vigour and sometimes even scathing wrath. Backed by a refusal to be subjugated to even the notion of gentility and grace that women for ages have been lumbered with since the day we are born, the destruction of stereotypes is at the helm of our initiative . We seem fed up that despite the lives of women in several movements who have already been lost in this never ending fight for a dignified existence, to this day, we still have to lobby for our rights to autonomy and self-governance.
We may have gained the ‘right’ to vote in elections that often seem to be more about eliminating the greater of two evils than choosing a fit leader for our nations, but as women, we have most certainly not gained what I believe is at the heart of every feminist campaign; understanding and fairness. In a way, it’s a man’s world, and a woman’s war.
To understand why women feel so constantly attacked, and hence are constantly in some way or another fighting back, we must understand the system that makes us feel that way and the enablers of said system. Since the earliest records of civilisation, men have been seen as the larger, more dominant and hence more entitled members of society. This entitlement breeds a sense of superiority and a belief that they are smarter and hence ‘need’ to make decisions for themselves and everyone else. (Is this where I insert the apparently obligatory ‘not all men’ for those with a particularly sensitive ego?).
It is important to note that humans are part of the animal kingdom and scientifically possess many of the same inherent and instinctive natures that mean males are the most dominant in many lesser species. What differentiates us from animals is a point of contention that the director of the cognitive evolution lab at Harvard University, Marc Hauser, argues which states that a “profound gap separates our intellect from the animal kind” (livescience). But you already knew this! We are smarter, more instinctive and self sufficient than any animal species on this sadly dying planet. Hence the indignation at the fact that we still have to explain to a number of men that we do not want their opinions on our bodies, we do not want their permission to do things with and to our bodies, and if you try and makes us ask for it, we will riot.
Due to outdated concepts on the ineptitude of a woman without a male overseer, it seems that many males in positions of power see fit to degrade the very existence of us. A shocking double standard, touched upon by many sociologists exists, where from before a woman is able to speak she is confined within boundaries that her male counterpart is not. Marketing to young girls generally revolves around playing a supporting role in life; being meek, pretty, pliable and obedient. We are damsels, constantly in distress and in need of saving. Young girls are rarely encouraged to do this saving themselves, because that’s what boys are for! Strong, wild, beastly! Marketing targeted at young men enabling them to believe in their strengths as they should. But that should never come at the expense of young girls who are taught to be dependent rather than dependable. And what brings further outrage is that when girls do try and help themselves, they are ridiculed and discouraged. Examples range from Malala Yousafzai fighting for her right to education, to Greta Thunberg, fighting for her future that is being jeopardised by organisations refusing to address the climate issues they caused. Organisations often run and funded by greedy, condescending men.
Misogyny is not born, but bred, and misogyny is also not within every man. Many, upstanding and supportive men campaign for and aid women in their resistance against issues we face daily. So in truth, it really is not all men at all. But it is a certain fact that ALL MEN benefit from this system that underpins women worldwide. I don’t believe that this system thrives on oppression, however I do think that the system would not know how to function without being oppressive. And that’s great news because it implies an ability to change. As women, we are more than eager to show anyone who benefits/enables this system how. We just need to be listened to, and as I stated above, most importantly understood.
Modern day misogyny is in the little things. Laughing when your male friend calls a girl a slut for allowing him to engage in consensual intercourse with her, as though it doesn’t take two willing individuals to perform coitus. The blowback is on the girl, who will now be treated as though her entire value is in her recreational activities and not her cognitive ability and the defining qualities that make her the person that she is. There has also been an increase of videos of couples dancing at clubs shared online. If the dance is particularly provocative, there will always be at least one unfortunate misinformed boy who will comment ‘that’s somebody's daughter’ in a display of disgust at the sight of a woman enjoying herself, as though her male dance partner is not apparently present in the video, partaking in and also enjoying the dancing.
I would say ‘society tends to commodify women’ but instead I am going to say men in society, and sadly often some women too -buckling under pressure- allow women to be commodified. ‘How many people has she slept with?’, ‘Why is her dress so short?’, ‘She’s too pretty to be (insert condescending backwards compliment here)’.
To paint a picture of the reality for women behind these comments, some more appropriate questions would be: ‘Has she ever been sexually assaulted, and has she been able to seriously speak about it without fear of being dismissed or blamed?’ ‘Does she need to seek counselling from the childhood trauma she experienced from taking on too much responsibility too young, but then still being told she is not responsible enough to lead her own life?’ ‘Has she ever experienced sexism, at school, college or her workplace and been unable to speak up for fear of losing a position she worked hard to gain?’ ‘Has she ever been dehumanised by a male she thought cared about her, but treated her with complete disrespect?’.
The system we live in rewards hyper-aggressive masculinity, and though men benefit from this over women, few people acknowledge how harmful it is for males too. The inability to break from the toxic mould they are set in from shockingly young ages takes a severe toll on mens’ mental health and in turn makes them incapable of challenging the system as allies to the feminist cause even if they wanted to. They are taught to be tough, show little emotion and less remorse because ‘boys will be boys’ when the truth of the matter is that boys will be what they are taught by the authoritative figures in their lives. If they are taught that emotiveness is weak, then by default women who statistically show more will be seen as weak. If they are sheltered despite their transgressions because they are believed to be inherently unruly and lawless, then they can easily dismiss a woman who comes forward to demand justice against a man who has harmed her.
Being an ally to women and a feminist is not all about females. The system that is destructive to us, destroys men first, because they are confined within it, and nothing negative can be positive to the one perpetrating it.
Hence, “I hate men.” Whether said jokingly, in anger, pain or a misguided quest for revenge, should not be deemed as a personal attack to anyone who identifies as a man. “Men” stands for sexism. “Men” stands for rape culture. “Men” stands for double standards. “Men” stands for the neglect of the mental health of both men and women in society. Unfortunately, male dominance stands at the helm of all those things, and men as a gender, even the ‘good’ ones withdrawn from the system are scapegoated.
How can you help? Whether you’re a man or woman, or whatever else in between, first of all, try not to use that phrase. It breeds hate from hate, and that is something we generally need a lot less of if we really want change. Next time you feel like you want to, myself included, state specifically what you hate about the system that is perpetrated by men.
And to the men who are still here, try and challenge the ways in which the system benefits you. Believe a woman, support her, try to go out of your way to make her feel comfortable when you can tell she isn’t.
In an age of instant connection and the ability to communicate ceaselessly at the touch of a button, more and more women are taking to social networks to like, share and comment on the patriarchal system that we all hope to one day entirely abolish. As a man, it would do wonders for our cause if you could do the same. Because you too should hate whatever “men” stands for, for yourself and the women in your life.
Love, Eva